As my first ever blog post I’d like this entry to scratch the surface of something that has been controlling my life for the past year or so. For me, a desire to be healthier and happier in my own skin saw me spiral out of control, leading to a year of overpowering anxiety around food, excessive exercise routines, binging, starving and isolation. Ironically, it was my search for control which initiated this disordered way of living.
My obsession with eating only those foods which the media has labelled “healthy” or “superfoods” and fearing all other foods containing sugars, carbs and fats etc (even biscuits, like come on can you believe I was scared of biscuits!?) totally consumed me. And yes for a while, I achieved exactly what I wanted. A leaner figure, a strong set of abs and clearer skin. However, this was not sustainable. My body and mind needed more nutrients than I was allowing myself and after a few months of living like this my muscles disappeared, my arms and legs were reduced to bones and my skin was a complete and utter mess. As a release I turned to secretive episodes of binge eating followed by days of smoothie drinking and soup sipping to restore my “health”, only to relapse again. Before I knew what had hit me this repetitive cycle had taken over and this is not something that I am proud of.
However, I feel that I have finally seen the light at the end of the tunnel. I now know that any form of fear surrounding food, no matter how small, is disordered. It is not okay for your heart to start beating out of your chest when someone beside you decides to order a large Dominoes. You are not well if your airways feel as if they’re closing when someone offers you a toffee muffin. Yes these things are bad for you in excessive amounts, but our human minds crave them for a reason, they keep us sane!
For a solid two months now, I’ve been working on myself; eating balanced meals, building muscle, seeing specialists, and regaining a healthy balance and attitude towards food. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know that so many people out there (young and old, male and female) suffer from eating disorders and have cases far worse than mine, but I’d like to use this blog and my experiences to inspire others to start a fresh. To start to look after themselves the way that I am learning to. To start to see food as nourishment.
And even if you have never found yourself in a whirlwind of this kind, I hope that by speaking up, and voicing my opinions honestly and compassionately that I can inspire you to seek the truth in aspects of your own life.
We own our hearts, our minds, our voices, and it’s my goal to never let this thought escape me again.
Lots of love,
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